One Month...

It's now been one month since I was laid off from His Kids Radio...

Pros... Working on my CD and actually getting some things finished for it. Discovering time to spend with God every morning. Having my creative thinking abilities restored (or at least renewed) - somehow, when my job went away, all the creativity that had gotten blocked up someplace is now moving again. Making jewelry and seeing Vicki enjoying wearing it. Learning the proper way to load a dishwasher... (maybe this is listed in the wrong place - is it a pro or a con?) Being reminded that my wife is one of the most amazing people on the planet (not to mention T.W.B.K.), and that God's goodness can always be seen by looking at her. Beginning to finally see glimpses of a reason behind this whole thing. (albeit small TINY glimpses, as if seen without my contacts from about two miles away...) Exploring the concept of not returning to a 9-5 job, but doing other things for income, and being able to do creative things just for the joy of doing them. Having the Lord put some things on the financial horizon that would actually allow us to survive on Vicki's income alone.

Cons... I miss His Kids Radio. I miss working with Dodd and Amanda (and Stacey too!), and seeing them in The Outback. I miss the fellowship of just walking through the building at CU Radio. I miss Saturday Morning Sonshine, and Mornin' Time, and watching Vicki, the Queen of Phone Tag as she gets such a joy out of talking to the kiddos. I'm disappointed that I'll never make 20 years at the university (it would have been 20 years in August...) I don't understand my purpose anymore. (when you feel like something is your "calling," and something like this happens, does that mean the Lord hung up on your "call"?) The only time I sleep is if I take a pill - hence the fact that I'm typing this at 4:44 in the morning... and haven't been to sleep yet. I'm concerned about the future, and am trying to understand that for right now, I'm not going to get any answers about it - I just need to wait. I'm afraid of gaining back all of the weight I've lost. (I've already gained back between 20 and 30 pounds, although that was happening before the layoff) My blood sugar is up again, so I have to work on all those things that come with being a diabetic. I'm concerned that in order to do these "creative income" things, one needs to be self-motivated, and that sort of discipline is something I've never been able to do. I feel empty...

And, maybe brokenness is the point. I have some lessons I've been too slow to learn, and perhaps now that He has my attention, I'll finally listen. As I said to Pastor Craig at lunch one day, I'm still having a discussion with God, and am getting to the point of letting Him win the arguement.

One month... and counting...

Lead, kindly Light

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Guide Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.
Words: John H. Newman, 1833

One step enough... enough for me...

1 down, ?? to go

Most people who read this (although most people no longer read this... :-) know that I've been laid off from His Kids Radio. This is not the post where I talk about how I feel about that...

However, the one and ONLY positive thing thus far in being unemployed is getting progress made on my CD. Today, the first song was completed. Hannah and Vicki (as well as others near Vicki's office) heard it first, and (to my surprize) liked what they heard. The background track for the next song is 99.5% done - just one little thing to fix, and it'll be ready for the whistle solo to go over top of it.

That's little comfort for losing what has been my life for the past almost 20 years, but it's something anyway. Not much sleep, many tears, and lots of confusion still, and trying to trust in God's plan. (and trying to believe that He has a plan - in my head, I know He does, but right now my heart is pretty beaten down...) So, I'm trying to do what Vicki has told me - focus on the CD, keep your brain occupied, and wait for the Lord to show us what the next step is. Oh - and do the dishes. :-D