The Serious Sadness

My nephew sold his trike.

Now, my nephew is a man of good discernment. He is learning wisdom. He has a wise Proverbs 31 wife, and has learned the true blessings of listening to her. He's used the trike for the last year as his commuting vehicle, but discovered that it didn't work as they had hoped. So to make room for a second car, the trike had to go. If they felt it necessary to sell his trike, then it was indeed necessary. They take counsel together and move together.

So why did it make me so sad?

I think I was saddened because I thought about what losing my trike would do to me. My trike is a replacement behavior for food addiction. Riding is good for my mental state, as well as good for my body - but the mental benefits have been the biggest factor. My morning trike rides are where I listen to the Daily Audio Bible, I open up to things God would say, and I learn to listen intently and intentionally. Things that I hear during that time come back during the day to be reenforced and illuminated.

So what if that was gone? What if it was necessary to lose the trike? I have trouble imagining how I would deal with that. Which brings up a whole issue to think through...

How much do I trust God?

Yup - it's the Abraham and Isaac lesson. Are there things that I hold so tightly, that if God needed to take them away for me to grow, I'd be clinging to them, my feet dragging on the floor and screaming like a toddler who's way, WAY overdue for a nap?

Is my sanity wrapped up in my three-wheeled chariot, or is it resting in the One who gave me the chariot?

When I was laid off from His Kids Radio, after ALMOST 20 years (Yes, that does still frustrate me - I was SO close to 20 years of service. Stupid, I know, but I'm being honest here.), I went quietly insane for a few months. Apparently my sanity was indeed wrapped up in my job, or at least in my "stable" life. My reason to get up in the morning, stumble through the day, and justify my existence.

I had no idea what a weak foundation I had built everything on. One swipe of God's horrible mercy, one swing of the wrecking ball, and nothing was left standing. Which is exactly where He needed to put me to begin the process that brings me here today, from 486 to 223, from destructive behavior onto the path of wholeness, from self-loathing to being filled with such mercy and grace that it leaves me speechless.

So why the sadness?

He continues to shine the light on the corners, on the shadows. It was all blasted away, it's all being rebuilt, and He is making all things new, but I still clench and hold and grab and scream and cry...

And don't trust.

As He has taught me, it's time to raise some stones...

He brought me from death to life, spiritually through His dear Son, my Lord Jesus.

He brought me from death to life, physically through His boundless grace and love.

With a surgeon's skill, He brings me from death to life, remaking my body and rewriting both my history and my future.

With a Creator's skill, He brings me from death to life, renewing my mind, helping me to rewire and rethink my new path, wherever He leads.

He gives it all, He took it all away, He restores it all, so why do I need to hold on to any of it?

And the big one...

He is my Father. He knows exactly what I need for each day. He knows what my trike means to me, so if He finds it necessary to take it away, He will fill that void with something else. He already knows what is needed, before I'm even aware of a change coming.

In the end, there is no void. There's only God, and it all comes from Him.

Father, give me what I need for today. Thank You for the gifts You give - help me to remember that they come from You, and though they are in my hands for a brief time, they remain Yours. You bring in what I need, You take away what I don't. Keep my eyes on today - what I need for this day, not what I need for tomorrow or forever. All I need forever is You.

Amen.