One of Those days...

It's one of those days... I'm always a little ancy on weigh-in day, but there's other things. So, dear readers, bear with me... maybe if I get some of the jumble out of my head, it'll leave room for what I actually have to accomplish today. :-)

- Had a strange dream. Can't remember the details, but I do know it involved being with my brother and Vicki outside my mom's house, and we were holding hands and praying that the Lord would move in the sale of the house, so that we can move on with certain aspects of our lives. I remember how we were pouring our hearts out to God, but upon waking, I can't remember the words. Just the passion of coming to His presence and casting our cares...

...which makes me think of...

- I wish I had my mom's eyes. :-) Granted, my eyes are blue like hers, while my brother's are hazel. But Mom's eyes were a pale sky blue, very clear, and quite pretty. My eyes, on the other hand, are a darker blue, and if you look closely, there's a ring of yellow right around my pupil - a gift from my dad, who had hazel eyes. There's something to be said for bearing the image of both of your parents, but still... I kind of feel that if my eyes were like mom's , I could look in the mirror, and see her looking back at me. I'd love to look into those beautiful blue eyes one more time. April 26th, it will be two years since she went to dwell in the Lord's house, and it's more on my mind than I'd realized.

...which brings me to...

- Vicki's eyes, which aren't blue, but a pale green, and quite lovely. Depending on what she's wearing, they go from pale green to a bluish-grey. And a steely grey, if she's a little "frustrated" with a certain someone... :-)

...hmmm. Can you tell I have a thing about eyes?...

(last one, I promise!)

- Why can I not bring myself to practice God's presence more? One of my favorite phrases is found on Carl Jung's tombstone - "Vocatus, atque non Vocatus, Deus aderit." Wasn't that moving? Oh - translation, please? Well, the wording is a little different, depending on whose translation you read, but the one I prefer is: "Bidden, or not Bidden, God is present." Why do I mislead myself into thinking that any of my thoughts or actions are hidden from him? If anything I do can bring Him glory, why can I not realize that anything I do can also bring Him shame? But we limited creatures convince ourselves that when we're doing something that is wrong, well, God's probably looking the other way right now. He's talking to the guy next door. He's speaking through the gal from Touched By An Angel and making her glow, so I can get away with it for a mintue... I can't get it through my head that whatever I am doing, wherever I am, He is present. My attention or lack of attention to Him doesn't change his presence one bit. Don Francisco had a song years ago that said "Who do you think you're fooling?" True dat.

(I lied...)

- One of the blessings about the weight loss is getting back things that I thought I'd never wear again. For example, my wedding ring. Granted, this is not the one that Vicki placed on my hand almost 24 years ago - that one was cut off after an allergic reaction to some leather dye I was working with, and subsequently lost. This one is the one I tend to think of as my real ring - it bears Celtic knotwork and a Celtic cross with an emerald in its center. And, since my birthstone is emerald, that works out fine. Actually, my friend Topher and his lovely bride have ones that match it. (or had - don't know if they still wear them) It was fun seeing my ring on someone else's hand. Anyway, I'm finally at the point where I can wear my ring again, and it's nice to see it on my hand again. I remember my mom holding my hand shortly before she passed away, ahd feeling my ring, and saying, "Didn't your ring have a cross on it?" She was holding my right hand, and the ring on that hand has a smooth stone. So, I held out my left hand, and she ran her thumb over the cross on the ring. Nice memory... Vicki is also wearing her rings again, since we found them and she's lost enough weight to be able to wear them again. Her rings came from my great grandmother, passed down from my mom, and it's a special treasure to see them on her hand again. :-)

Whew! Sorry to make you endure all that! But my head feels a lot emptier... which is a better state for me to be in, believe me! :-) I have clinic and class this afternoon, so I'll check in this afternoon with the result. Thanks for allowing me to clear my head. :-)

Progress, albeit slowly (weekly weigh-in)

Another three pounds. I'm now under 380 lbs. for the first time in more years than I can remember. And, it was a great class - Neil, our exercise guy, gave us an entire routine on a ball - which I love. Confirms that I'll be placing that order for a couple of balls - one for Vicki, and one for me. :-)

(why not just run down to the store and get one?... Well, in order to use it, and be able to use weights with it, it has to be able to support both my weight and the weights I use, as well as allowing me to do exercises on it. So, since weight capacity isn't generally listed on the ones you'll find at local stores, I have to shop for a "big boy ball" on line, for one of the ones we use at the center.)

All in all, another good day - good sleep last night, good day today, and good time of worship tonight at church, playing my whistles at our Maundy Thursday service. Need to work harder on staying strictly in the program, making sure to use my scale to weigh portions, and journal everything. Need to focus harder...

But, it's looking more and more like spring, which will allow us to get out and explore our world, and that always helps my motivation. Don't get me wrong - I'm a dedicated winter person. But, I've learned more appreciation for warmer weather, because I've found I really look forward to getting out with Vicki and doing stuff - playing catch, taking a walk (or a wheel, if I'm in the chair) by the river, etc. Even using the ball and weights on the back patio instead of inside will be a real treat.

Thanks to the Lord of the changing seasons, for all His mercy every day!

A little loss, and more focus (weekly weigh-in)

2.4 lbs. Not much, but at least it was in the right direction. Just a little reminder that I need to focus harder and put in more effort into this thing. So, off to play at WCSG's Father-Daughter banquet, and to contemplate more structure in what I do with my time. "Teach me to number my days" is running through my head lately. :-)

Time to clean the slate

I always find myself doing some reflection, the night before my weekly class/clinic/encounter with the scale... Have I been doing the program? Have I been doing it correctly? Have I been doing better than last week? Am I cheating? Could I have done better? It's been tougher this time through the fasting. The tendency is to use past experience to "manage" things this time. So, if I know what foods will upset the balance and make me sick (heavy fat content for example, that will make me really sick), then if I stick to sneaking in foods that won't make me sick, and I journal all the calories, then I'm good, right?

Well, technically, that's right. But honestly, it doesn't work that way. Part of the process is taking a break from all the complexity of eating, especially for someone like me who has issues about food, and to use that time to unlearn bad habits. The goal - to (hopefully) learn some new and better ones. But, if I'm trying to add in this, and sneak in that (those DARN Girl Scout cookies, for example...), then I never really take a break from the food, and thus the slate doesn't get cleared, and space isn't made for better habits... See the picture?

By doing this fast for 12 weeks, we get tabula rasa - a blank slate to write a new life upon. But if I hold on to the old habits, there's no space for the new ones.

And, as always in this experience, it's not too far to leap from the weight loss to other aspects of life. As a follower of Christ, have I ever totally submitted to Him so as to allow Him to write new things on me? Have I laid all the old things down, or am I carrying them around like chains and weights that keep me from a clean slate? Compared to the weight loss program, this is the most important consideration. So, as I try to stay away from those things that will slow my progress in the fasting, let my eyes be opened to the other things, that slow my progress in running what Paul called "the race set before us."

tabula rasa...

Down we go... (weekly weigh-in)

Well, it's Thursday, which means weigh-in and clinic and class... And, another milestone. The first time I did the fast, I got just a smidge over the 100 lb. mark - in the neighborhood of 386. Today, we're at the lowest I've been since starting this whole thing last April - 383.4! Over 100 lbs lost, and falling. The total today was 6.4 pounds - not the 17 I did last week, but a nice chunk for one week. On we go, into week 3...