I believe... I think...

Recently, I played background music for a couple of hours at Covenant Village of the Great Lakes for a health fair. The unusual thing is that I recorded my playing. I need some samples to send to our cousin, who's thinking of having me play for her wedding in September, and she wants to hear what the whistles and such sound like.

I don't know that I've ever recorded my whistle playing before - maybe once for another demo, but it's been years. Anyway, I listened to some of what was recorded last night and a bit today, and I realized something...

NOTE: the following is intended with all modesty. No, isolation hasn't made me forget to obey my cardnial rule ("never believe your own press releases"). And, yes, I do expect people to still say to me, "don't quit your day job." The thing is, this IS my day job now...

OK - here it is. I'm just gonna say it out loud. (takes deep breath... shudders, pauses, and then continues...) I'm not too bad of a whistle player. Or wind controller for that matter.

"That's ALL?" I hear you ask? Well, if that surprizes you, you don't know me well enough. My self image has always been low enough to observe life on the ocean floor. I always believed that while I could play background music at events, all I was doing was just toodling little melodies, but nothing all that accomplished. Certainly not worth recording. Certainly not worth trying to sell folks a CD of. But actually hearing myself... wow. I heard something there that reminds me of the gift God has given me - that actually lets me believe that my music is something worth doing, is worth recording, and is actually something unique. That there is some skill, some unique ability in what the Lord allows me to do - I play because I have gifts and abilities that bring forth something worth hearing.

Granted, there is room for a LOT of improvement. And, I really need to practice daily, not just when I have a gig that day. But, being someone who plays a lot of different instruments, I thought that my only "claim to fame" (for lack of a better phrase) was the variety of instruments I play, and not in the skill with which they are played. But I hear a unique voice, something worth offering.

One more reminder - no big head here. No over-stuffed ego. Just trying to understand what these thoughts mean.

What does it mean? It means that for the first time, I actually believe. I believe that when my album comes out this summer, that it will be a good album. That it will offer something worth hearing. That when I do a program at a church or retirement community, I'll be bringing something worth their time and money. I believe that making part of my living doing music is alright, because I actually have some ability, and (dare I say it?) talent.

I believe what Vicki has been telling me all along. I believe that this will work. I'm not unemployed - I'm self employed. I do a bit of jewelry making (and some speciality sewing - more on that later), a bit of music (recording and performing), and a bit of storytelling and magic. And, on the side, I host and produce Toonz, and do a little volunteer tracking for His Kids Radio. And, until He says otherwise, this is my path. It allows me to do lots of things I love, it accomodates the unique way my creative mind works, and it hopefully will bring in enough income to supplement what Vicki does, so that we can actually live. Not just survive - but live.

There. I said it in public. Now Vicki can point at this and say, "See? What have I been telling you all along?!!" And, when my friends hear me beating myself up, they can say, "Hold it. That's not what you REALLY believe." Thank you Lord - for not forgetting me, and for having a plan, even though I had a hard time accepting it and believing it. And, thank you Vicki - you never gave up on me, even when I did. I believe. I accept. And, I'm grateful to God for this new direction. I think... (still backsliding just a bit there...)

Hmmm.... maybe I'd better hit DELETE before this becomes officially public. Nope. Too late. :-D